Pour Me Into My Role

I went outside tonight.
Took out a cigarette and dragged on it hard
Just to get the headrush.
I got up and stumbled around, smiling in the damp dark.
A sick smile
It made me want to puke.
A smile
Not because I was happy
Not at all
I just heard somewhere
Smiling makes you feel good
But it just made me sad
To know that anyone can walk around smiling
And still feel the gut-wrench
That made them do these things
Just to feel happy.

I sat in the dark,
My mouth still cringing
At the taste of nicotine
My lips still cringing
At the mask of the smile
And it didn't want to lie like I wanted it to.

My mouth still tastes like shit
My eyes are still down
My head still hurts

And nowadays
I have to contort to fit
Into my role.